Or; Why I buy the cheapest mobile phone available

<broadband trouble>
<Restart router. Clear browser caches. fiddle twiddle meddle. buggerall improvement. Sigh. Take deep breaths. Switch on Zen-mode. Pick up phone and dial number.>

Namaste, welcome to Airtel customer care Gold service!  For English, press 1, Hindi ke liye 2 dabaye
*1*

…For Fixed line services, press 2; For …
You have selected fixed line services. To confirm, press 1.
For fixed line number, press 1.  For…
Please key in your fixed line number along with your STD code

The landline number you have keyed in is xxxxxxxxx. To confirm, press 1
For technical help, press 1; For…
…for technical issues, press 2
…for blah blah press … for blah blah press… to speak to a representative, press 9
<Finally!> *9*

Please hold the line while we transfer you to customer service representative.
<
Zen>

Namashkaar, Airtel mein aapka swagat hain. Main <baboochak> bol raha hoon.  Aaj main aapki kya saahayta kar sakta hoon?
Hi, I have a problem with my broadband and I need some technical help.

Ok no problem sir. Aapka phone number with STD code batayenge?
….I just did that.

Sir, confirm karna padta hain.
<headdesk>…. Fine, it’s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jaankaari ke liye dhanyavaad.  Ab aapka naam confirm karenge?
Don’t you have it on your records?

Sir, sorry sir, aap Hindi mein bataayenge please?
<headdesk>  Noooo….I need technical help aur main yeh Hindi mein nahin samjha paunga.

Ok no problem. Please hold keejiye, main aapko transfer karta hoon.
<headpalm>

<Muzak>
< more Muzak>
<Muzak
headdesk Muzak headdesk Mu…

Good morning, welcome to Airtel. My name is <anotherbaboochak>. How can I be of assistance today?
Hi, I have a problem with my broadband and I need some technical help.

Ok no problem sir. Can you please confirm your full telephone number with STD code?
<puts phone down to headwall>

Hello? Sir? Hello?
Hi.  It’s xxxxxxxxxxxxx

And can you please tell me your name.
Can you not just check it from your records?

Sir, we have to confirm sir.
<headwall> <grits teeth and gives name>

Thank you Mr <mangledname>.  How can I be of assistance today?
My internet is not working and I need to figure out why it isn’t.

Ok no problem sir.  Can you please re-start the router?
I already did.

Ok no problem sir.  Can you now go to Run command and type…
Listen, I’ve already restarted the router and cleared the temp files and deleted the cookies and restarted from SysAdmin. Can you just check if there’s a problem on your system?

Of course sir, no problem. But first can you go to Run command and type…
<headwalls hard enough to loosen bricks>
Fine. Done.

And now can you type…
Listen, I’ve already done that!

Ok no problem sir. But now can you type…
<Zennnnnnnn>
<pretends to listen to instructions>
Right. It’s still not working.

Oh … Ok no problem sir, I’ll just transfer you to our technical team
wait what?! Aren’t you the technical team?

No sir, we are just customer care. To contact our broadband engineers you have to dial xxxxxx. They will give you full technical assistance.
So why was I not given that option in the first place??

Sir no idea sir. But just hold, I’ll transfer you directly now
No you listen …
<Muzak>
<neighbours wonder who’s yowling>
<Muzak>

Namashkaar, Airtel services main aapka swagat hain. Main <chamanchutiya> bol raha hoon.  Aaj main aapki kya saahayta kar sakta hoon?
Hello, aap English mein bol sakte hain?

Ek minute sir, main transfer karta hoon
<neighbours wonder what shouts of ghelchodia mean>

Hello, welcome to Airtel services. My name is <baburamhajaam>. How can I be of assistance?
Hi, I have a problem with my broadband and I need some technical help.

Ok no problem sir. Can you please confirm your full phone number with STD code?
… hello? hello?
<stares at mangled remains of phone while staunching head-wound>
<tosses phone into pile of similar carcasses>

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