How not to be a twit

(Part 1 of 2. The second here)

#9 If you eat meat and have friends who don’t

Avoid saying the following things:

1. But HOW can you live without kheema-pav? And salli-boti? And bacon butties?  And turkey roasts?
Oddly enough, you seem to doing fine without butternut squash.  And greengages. And kalamata olives.  And soft cheeses from the south of France.  How? How can you possibly live without those things? How have you not dissolved into a mass of gooey longing and unquenchable desire? How how how how how?

Oh, because you’ve never had them?

But how will you know you don’t like it if you won’t even try it?
It’s not about not liking it, ghelsappa.  It’s about not wanting to eat it.  You know, free will?

Also, why are you making such a fuss about eating fried insects?  And horses?  And dog?  Come on, have some Lassie with your lassi.  Chalo chalo, try karo.

3. It’s ok, really, chicken are very stupid birds.
So why the heck do you want me to eat them?  Seriously, what is wrong with you?  Are you really that threatened by my obvious super-duper-hyper-intelligence that … What did you call me? …. Tu stupid! Taaro kako stupid! Taaro kutro stupid! Taari gaadi stupid! Taaru Facebook profile photo bhi stupid!

4. You do know that you have no idea where the vegetables you’re eating from are sourced, right?  And that they’re most likely full of pesticides and chemicals?
So why would I want to eat meat that’s higher up in the food-concentration-chain and been fed on the same grains?  Do you want me to suffer from more side-effects?

5. Listen, I’ve been eating red meat for at least one meal a day for the last 30 years, and nothing’s wrong with me.

Good for you.  But I’m not you and you’re not me and the sky isn’t fluorescent purple despite me wishing it to be.

Also, when was the last time you got a prostrate exam done?

6.  I don’t know about you, but I would just die if I had to live without eating some meat everyday.

Such a liar.  The only thing you cannot live without is air.  Everything else is just stuff you want.  You probably haven’t even tried not eating meat for four days straight, have you? Have you?  I knew it!

You is just blood-thirsty and lazy.  Say it loud and say it proud.

7. Ok, if you were going to die if you didn’t get some food within two days, and the only food around for 15 miles and six days was a beefburger, would you still not eat it?

Seriously? Hypotheticals?  Ok, let’s play.  If you were captured by a hidden Amazonian tribe and the only way they would let you go if you amused them by painting your head pink and dancing on an anthill while singing the entire soundtrack of Sound of Music for 10 days, would you not do it?

8.  But you wear leather!

Did I say I was a card-carrying member of PETA and the SPCA? Ever heard of health concerns?

Also, you say you don’t like to eat greens, but you’ve got plants in your house.  Moron.

9.  But plants also feel pain!  JC Bose proved it.
Actually, it’s not conclusive that they do feel ‘pain’.  But even if they do, it’s less than what higher-consciousness life-forms such as animals do, so the least we can do is minimise the pain we inflict on other creatures.  ,And the way of ‘killing’ plants is quicker and more humane than that of killing animals.

Also, is that wooden furniture I see in your house?

9. Oh man, I forgot you were veggie.  That’s such a pain.  Now I’ll have to think of a whole new menu for the dinner I’m throwing.  
Why don’t I do you a favour and just stay away?  Obviously my presence is such a burden that it’ll cause you to lose all of the three Michelin stars you own.  Besides, I’m quite full from all that wonderful, wonderful lettuce and tomatoes you served up last time as your only vegetarian option.  No, really I am.  See my fat tummy?

10. But it’s so boring to cook for vegetarians.  Think of the challenge and all the variations of conjuring up
a feast using various types and cuts of meat.
Seriously?  Seriously?!


11.  There aren’t any decent veg options on the menu at this place, but it’s just ah-may-zing.  Let’s go.

Actually, let’s not.  Because I really don’t fancy spending 500 rupees for a unimaginative spaghetti dish that is inferior to the version I make at home, just so that I can sit and watch you drool over interesting adaptations of meat dishes.  If the management and the chef can’t be arsed to come up with dishes that utilise the dozens of vegetables and grains and fruits on the market currently, I can’t be arsed showing them the pretty colours of my money.

Tell you what.  Why don’t you come home instead, and I’ll make me some proper vegetarian food while you can eat boiled chicken?

12.  All the good Indian pace bowlers were meat eaters. You need to eat meat to have aggression.  I’m telling to you, man.

Venkatesh Prasad.  Bangalore, 9 March 1996.

Yeah, I thought so.

13.  All said, if you haven’t eaten <insert random meat dish>, you’ve missed out on life.  So sad.  Much pity.

Taari pity ni toh bolu te
Boxer!  Come here Boxer!  Choo Boxer choo!
…. goooood doggy.

One thought on “How not to be a twit

  1. Pingback: How not to be a twit | Veni, vidi, ventedi

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