How not to be a twit

(Part 2 of 2. The first here)

#10 If you don’t eat meat and have friends who do
Avoid saying the following things:

1.  Is that chick-en?  Cheee!
Holy unsufferable fake-piety smugness!  *thwack*  *nose-pinch*  *wet-ear*

2.  See, vegetarianism is very good for the environment.  Unlike you meat-eaters. 

Sure.  That’s why you don’t segregate your rubbish, have two cars amongst the three of you, operate a smartphone and a tablet and a laptop, and fly everytime you need to travel to a neighbouring city.

3.  Eating meat makes your body stink of it.

Tried eating asparagus lately?

4. I’m vegetarian because I believe in not eating anything that had a life.

Please can I pay for your basic botany lessons again?  Pretty please?  Pretty please while making puppy eyes?

5.  If you can’t kill and clean an animal or a fish, you shouldn’t eat it.

Right.  Because you totally go and sow rice seeds and then water them … no wait … because you totally create good soil over a period of two months and then till it and then sow rice seeds and then water them and then transplant them and then water them again and the transplant them again and then reap the husks and then thresh them and then polish them.  All while maintaining the right ph-levels and weeding them and keeping them free from grub.   Right?

And then you totally plant some vegetable seeds and then water them and then ….

6.  I would just die if I ate any meat. Ever.

Such a drama queen.   Chances are you’ve probably mistakenly eaten some meat somewhere already.  And even if you’re certain you haven’t, you really think those restaurants you’ve eaten are as concerned as you are about segregating their veg and non-veg sections (and knives and ladles and pots and sauces)?

The worst that would happen is you would throw it up because your body is not used to it.  But you wouldn’t  die.  Because you haven’t.

7.  Ok, if you were stranded on an island populated and controlled by a life-is-sacred cult that practised strict Fruitarianism, would you not be able to live like that?

Enough with the hypotheticals!  It’s not about what people can do, it’s about what they want to do.  Or in this case, eat.

But since you’re insisting on playing games, what sound does a diamond papaya make when bungee-jumping across a buckyball?

8.  But you rescue stray animals!  And you support animal conservation parks! 

Yes, but eating one organic, free-range chicken a month doesn’t mean I want to kill gorillas.  Perspective, people, perspective!

9.  Plants don’t feel pain, you know! JC Bose’s studies were refuted later on.

Actually they weren’t totally.  There’s still considerable debate about what exactly they ‘feel’.

And if they have no emotions, why do you talk to your plants to make them grow faster?

10.  People who insist on cooking with meat are lazy and unimaginative.  A serious gourmet would love the challenge of conjuring up a feast using only vegetables.
Seriously?  Seriously?!


11.  Becoming a vegetarian makes you less aggressive.  I’m telling to you, man.

Venkatesh Prasad.  Bangalore, 9 March 1996.

See?  Reverse-swing baby.

One thought on “How not to be a twit

  1. Pingback: How not to be a twit | Veni, vidi, ventedi

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