Oh heyyyyy! Long time no see.  Married and all huh. How long it’s been now? Achcha, so many years already? Waah, waah, touchwood.  Then toh must be having kids, no?
….. No? Like, none?  At all?

…. Oh…… Umm…

Don’tmindjustaskingok, but umm, some problem there is?  Isfineisfine if there is, common problem no, why to be ashamed I say, lotsalotsalotsalotsa people have.  Lucky thing is, I have number for excellent fellow who has helped so many coup- … Oh. No problem also? …  So then why you no have children?

What you mean you don’t want to have any??  You don’t like children or what?  Don’t like cleaning potty?  Don’t worry, I have number of superb full-time ayah only.  Or maybe you think little-wittle babbes going ‘my daddeh stlongest!’ is too cute to be cute? Or …

Huh? You like children, but are happy without them?

Arre, but how do you know you won’t be happier with children, huh?  You just try it onc- …. oof! What a stupid argument!  So what if you are happy even though you haven’t lived in Peru?  How does that even appl- … No, of course there’s no refund policy on children! They’re children, baba, not some toy you just decide to get because you feel like it … haan, haan, laugh laugh. You just see, once you have children, your whole life changes.

… arre, what you like your life the way it is?  That is so … selfish!  Yes, yes, selfish only.  You are acting like spoilt children (hah!), only thinking about yourself and what you want to do, and not taking responsibility only.  How much travel you will do haan, how many books you will read haan, how much cooking you will experiment, how much?  You just think it’s ok to enjoy yourselves till you’re old.  You think it’s ok to just be cool uncle and give them gifts and make us look bad or what?  No concept only about what it takes to take care of a child and wake up in the night to put them back to sleep and to train them and find schools for them and worry about whether they’re seeing all dirty-dirty things on Internet and sacrificing holiday dreams for their choice and worryi- ….

No, I would not like to take a nap!  I haven’t had a nap in five years and I’ve forgott- … I mean, I don’t need to have one anymore.  I’m fin-…. No, I am not cranky because of lack of sleep! I am perfectly calm ok, stop being rude.  See, this is what I mean – saying whatever personal personal things you like without thinking about whether the other person finds it offensive … stop snorting! So so rude.

And also!  You have a duty to have children.

Yes, yes, duty only I said. See, even if you don’t believe in God …  and by the way I still don’t understand how you don’t, I mean how can you see all the miracle of life and deny the existe-…. ok ok baba, ok!  I mean to say even if you don’t believe in God and don’t believe you should expand your kind, you have a duty to society no?

…arre of course you do!  Educated people should be having children, not those gawaars in villages popping out monkeys right left centre whole whole time without thinking how they will feed them or clothe them and then of course, no education only.  And then those politicians come and say any rot they want and these stupid people have no brains because they can’t read anything and then they join all Youth Wings and make big big slogan-shouting and then all fights happen and then rioting and look at our country.

But if people like us had children, we can teach all the right things no, and then they will learn to respect elders and girls and mix with other communities and religions and … No of course I wouldn’t let my girl marry a Muslim boy, they convert you know, and besides what does that have to …

Oho! Very fine! Such fine big big words you learnt after going abroad.  Listen, you sickular fool, don’t call me bigot-shigot.  This is not about discrimination ok, it is about tradition.  You want children not to learn tradition or what.  All I’m saying is, it is so much easier to associate with people who think they way you do, and do all the things you do na, so why look outside?

….  Of course, I will let them travel – why are you asking stupid questions? But only to safe places haan – Singapore and Dubai and New York and London.  And only on some tour.  Or with Babli Aunty.  Otherwise they’ll meet some crazy foreigners and say haan chalo we will also do this-that, we will also wear short skirts, we will also go live with some boy.  Then what, haan, then what?  They are children after all, what do they know.  Best they take our advice, we have toh seen the world baba.

And once they do accountancy like we suggest, they can then do shaadi-waadi and bas, our job over.

…well, till the grandkids come of course. Because of course our children should have children of their own.

…Oho, where are you walking off?  Listen, hello, listen, I’m talking, hello….

2 thoughts on “Offspring

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