Dear ICICI, yes I know you’ve put me on hold. Somebody asked for my assent before doing so, so you’d think I’d remember.

Dear ICICI, no I won’t give my password to anyone. I’ve already received 14,282 mails, messages, and calls about this.

Dear ICICI, I know this is a recording and all, but that woman must be going out of breath in some parallel universe at the speed you’re playing these messages.

Dear ICICI, did you know it’s possible to start and end announcements without inserting that background tune of yours? What are you, Indian Railways?

Dear ICICI, yes of course I know you offer home loans. You’ve said so three times already.

Dear ICICI, if I were really that important to you, you’d have a dedicated person reading me an e-book while you sort out my issue.

Dear ICICI, ….. hello? did you get cut off? hello? Am I still on hold? hel-…

Dear ICICI, dude, seriously. Don’t blare the tune in my ear after maintaining radio silence for 40 seconds.  I remember the damn tune, I promise!

Dear ICICI, why is this woman so chirpy when she’s warning me about email fraud?

Dear ICICI, pretty please, take a pause between announcements. Don’t worry, I’ll still give you my business.  Really.

Dear ICICI, did you create that tune by recording an acid-tripping monkey on a xylophone?

Dear ICICI, yes yes I’ll stay on hold. How can I not? You have succeeded in brainwashing me and taking control of my motor functions.

Dear ICICI, you could put on Kenny G right now and I wouldn’t destroy this phone. It’s that bad.

Dear ICICI, this is me hyperventilating because you’re not.



Evergreen Irritating Conversations: #14

“Me? Oh, well I …
talk to myself,
make up bad jokes,
run from hornets,
watch people’s lips,
twirl and twirl in the rain,
keep experimenting with masalas to add in chai,
practice arching my left eyebrow,
am trying to perfect a recipe for akoori,
hug friends,
spend hours rambling in search of secondhand books,
like to embarass friends by skipping la-la-la,
can’t help scratching the ears of animals,
stare at clouds till they go away,
bung things into an ove-….

…oh, you mean what do I do for a living?
I have a job.

…no, you first learn how to ask the right questions.